Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Getting gum for free

It's really easy to get gum for free...at least in my experience. Most of my life I go without wanting gum, so when someone offers me a piece it's never something I craving. I maybe buy gum on my own once, twice a year, tops. I don't need it, or have an urge for it. Why do I take it then then... I take it because I can. I always graciously accept. Now this secret- how to get gum for free without even asking. I tend to look around a lot. I'm always observing my surroundings, getting a feel for things. People often chew gum. To chew gum you first have to take out a piece of gum, and this is a bit of a ritualistic act. You take it out of your pocket, select a piece, unwrap that piece, then pop it into your mouth. There's a second part of this act though, one that extends beyond your own enjoyment. If someone you know is around you, you offer them a piece. You want them to share the sensation. You will not be alone. Let's chew together. Now getting back to my experience. I'm not talking about getting gum from people I know, though I guess I'm acquainted with them, yet not on a first name basis. The third unspoken rule to this gum game seems to be that if someone watches you offer someone else a piece of gum, you must also offer the watcher a piece. Three times in my psych of learning class this has occurred, with three different people. I didn't want a piece of gum any of the times. My gaze was just briefly in the area of the gum giving and before I knew it a piece was in my mouth. It's so bizarre. What else in life works like this? Sex certainly doesn't. The world is your oyster and your world is a gigantic piece of gum.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Awful day. And you wouldn't believe how worse it got when it took my computer 5 minutes to actually open the internet. Today was one of those days where nothing went my way. Nothing was convenient, even simple tasks becoming enormously frustrating by something else being in the way. Lets do a run down...

I wake up and notice that the Blood Brothers broke up today. Though I'm not much of a listener to them anymore, they were one of my favorite bands during my last two years of high school and I really associate them with those times more than most other bands. Sad to see them go.

The quiz question for research methods was the one I was unsure about. Great. Also it turns out that as all the girls in my PLA group have chosen each other as partners, I'm stuck with the kid who shows up to less than half the classes, never turns in work on time, and to top it all off has been completely missing for the last two weeks. Turns out I now have to do the project entirely on my own. Wow, thanks.

My Spanish book is missing. I have no idea how and why but I spent about an hour today tearing apart my room looking for it with no luck, then stopping by the classroom only to interrupt a test and then visit the bookstore to find no more copies in stock. They had to import the book from Spain...it's not available anywhere online.

It's amazing how a few frustrations in a row can build up so quickly into a complete break-down. I left dinner, unhappy with the too-spicy dish and the Magnetic Fields' "The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side" came up on shuffle. I started to tear up a bit, holding them back as I was out in public. There's something about hearing one of my all-time favorite songs when I'm in a down mood...it makes me both better and worse. It's like tears upon getting attention, like in the Elephant Man when he cries upon a woman talking to him like a human, something that he's never experienced before. That scene gets me more than any other. The music is there for me. Then Beat Happening's "Cry for a Shadow" was next and I could no longer hold back. I just had such a cry fest and over what...a book and a project? I then began to get self-critical as I usually do when things don't go my way and started on about the social anxiety thing again. I can't pretend it's not there. Why won't my mom actually listen when I say I feel it's not just shyness and want to see someone about it. I've mentioned it off hand a few times, but have yet to be direct about it. Hell she even said she'd make an appointment with someone for October. I see the urgency. Thanks a fucking lot.

I see people I'm acquainted with around campus someones from a distance and actively avoid them. I know it's ridiculous, but I still do it. Like I fear making a fool out of myself around others so I just avoid them all together? Could be it. I don't want this. I see people with so many friends and wonder how they do it. Relationships...don't even go there. That's another thing I'm stressed about at the moment. It should be so simple. Fuck. I don't want people to think i'm unaffected and cold. I've had enough of that. Can I just be liked?

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Pinkerton is saving my life once again. I owe this album so much.

I haven't listened to it in its entirety in maybe a year? What's wrong with me? I've heard this record hundreds of times but right now it's hitting such a chord that i'm in tears.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

So sometimes you might put a good bit of effort into a night's plans. Sometimes those plans might fall flat in every regard that the only possible explanation at the time is a curse. But then your night forms a new path, one that ends up being even more rewarding and enjoyable than
you hoped for initially. This is wonderful.

Thursday, November 1, 2007


Type 1 Type 2 Type 3 Type 4 Type 5 Type 6 Type 7 Type 8 Type 9
4 3 3 8 5 3 4 0 6


Type 1: The Reformer. The rational, idealistic type.
Type 2: The Helper. The caring, nurturing type.
Type 3: The Motivator. The adaptable, success-oriented type.
Type 4: The Artist. The intuitive, reserved type.
Type 5: The Thinker. The perceptive, cerebral type.
Type 6: The Skeptic. The committed, security-oriented type.
Type 7: The Generalist. The enthusiastic, productive type.
Type 8: The Leader. The powerful, aggressive type.
Type 9: The Peacemaker. The easygoing, accommodating type.

Fours are the masters of the emotional realm. Fours seem to be old souls. They have been around the block with heartache and even if they still get caught up in it they know there way around.

Some books say that fours are the jealous type. That’s bullshit. Fours don’t want what you have, they want something of their own… but it might be the same thing that you have.

You see fours are always out looking for how to make life better. That’s the thing- the aperture on the vision is so large that fours are trying to find ways to make LIFE better.

Fours can seem sort of down to others. Fours can seem sort of sad, but they really aren’t that sad at all. Once you get to know them, fours know a depth of feeling that none of the other types can TOUCH.

Fours are dag smat on the part of the enneagram that coincides with emotions. Yup, the thinking types see no logic in the four’s moves and the body types think fours are airy-fairy.

Fours are often lethally embarrassed. Or self-concious. Or both.

But that’s OK because despite what anyone might think, the four knows exactly what’s going on.

The desire to create and seek meaning is emphasized in the Individualist. They are emotionally driven, passionate people, who want to be recognized as special and distinguished from others. They are, at their best, compassionate, empathetic, and refined. This often leads them to artistic endeavors of various sorts, or alternatively, to relationships that would bring them intense feelings whether sublime or despairing. On the flipside, their emotional turbulances and excess fantasizing can cause difficulties with living in the moment, rather than in the past or in the future, chronic dissatisfaction and depression, and conflicts with others.



Wednesday, October 31, 2007

where does October go to?

I always wonder this. I consider October to be my favorite month of the year. I've thought about this a good deal, and if you keep the things we associate with each month out of it and only factor in the environment, it's number #1 for me. I love the feel- the leaves, the colors...Halloween, but that's one of those things of course. Halloween's today. It always sneaks up out of nowhere and every year it's the same. Mid-September comes and the retail stores start putting out their Halloween items. I get excited...absurdly excited actually. My reaction upon seeing gigantic rats and dripping blood wall decorations is like that of a 5 year old when he first gets a puppy. I love the stuff and the thought that I can just walk into a store and buy a sack full of imitation shrunken heads, no questions asked. It's completely normal. About a month ago I bought a skull stress ball that is filled with fake blood and bugs. Therefore when you squeeze it, the gooze bubbles out of its eye sockets. That is brilliant. I will present anyone who doesn't love this time of year with this wonderful toy. They won't dare to question it anymore. What...you say June is superior to October? What can you buy in June...a pool noodle? A noodle? What about a motion activated hand stuck in the middle of a blood fountain? Hmm? What reigns superior?

So come late September early October I am a ball of joy. These ridiculous items are appearing in stores, the weather stops being so blistering hot, and the leaves are on the verge of of their colorful cathartic deaths. Then mid October comes. Mid-terms. I'm forced to ignore everything but books for a period of 2 weeks, right when it's prime October- the leaves at their most lovely. I feel like I miss the world during this period. This year it was especially heavy, given a history exam I spent what should have been a fantastic October weekend where I fully embrace everything the month has to offer studying my eyes off. For nothing too. Grrrr. Mid-terms come and go, and when they're finally gone, the month is winding down and I've fallen off the metaphorical hayride that I was so excited about at the month's start. (Speaking of hayrides, it's been much too long since I've been on one. 10 years maybe? Shit.. where can I do that?) By this time I don't even know how to hop back on. Watch horror movies? It's Halloween and I have no plans. If I controlled the world, I would make the school year run during the summer and have the 3 months of vacation be October, November, and December. There's something I love about these months... how I find it so much more difficult to concentrate on necessities like school work during these rather than in the summer (Summer courses are no big deal in my eyes.) I want a huge Fall vacation. I want hayrides, haunted labyrinths, apple picking, costumes, cider, pumpkins...

Pumpkins! I never even got a pumpkin this year. Halloween of 2005 I didn't get a pumpkin. I promised myself I'd carve a pumpkin the next year. When I say I'm going to do something, I will do it, so I did carve a pumpkin last year- a fantastic wolf one to be exact. I did nothing this year. Fuckkk. Halloween's not over yet. What can I do?

Monday, October 29, 2007

Friday was fantastic. Amazing. Wonderful. I was the happiest I've been in quite a while. At least since the of Montreal show. Coincidently tonight I saw a show. It can then be inferred that great shows = happiness for Matt.

So before the show Dave came down from Assumption and we jammed (though I hate that word, that's what we did) for a while before going to Moe's and a carwash. We recorded a few versions of a song I wrote entitled Lonesome Seal. We're still working it out. After that we went down to the Grind to help setup for the Uncle Monsterface show that night. The show- completely blew my expectations off the wall. For a completely obscure band, they had an amazing show. It was kinda like Gwar, with over the top costumes and skit segues between songs, but rather than sinister it was joyous. They began with a sound check song, a song about the soundchecking, then segueing into a cover of Madonna's "Like a Prayer" which the entire venue danced to. I loved how they played the show like it was packed, despite only about 30 - 40 in attendance. There was a projection screen set up that they interacted with in perfect time, as well as used for a screen for Super Mario Bros, inviting an audience member to play while they performed a song with all their energy focused on him. Let's see... there also was "pass the animal," throwing inflatable animals around the venue and trying to keep them afloat during the entire song. Lastly we got a dance contest with a dance-o-meter and then went up on stage to dance with various props for the last song. So awesome. After the show I went over to Joe's for a party which the band also was at. Really cool guys. The party was fun...I went out out my shell and danced...a lot. I cannot resist "Take on Me." ...and the Unicorns! Of course.

Saturday and Sunday I practically didn't leave my dorm. Actually I only left my room on Saturday to pee and head downstairs to pick up the Chinese I ordered. I need to stop doing this. My back really hurt from Friday night though so the least thing I wanted to do on Saturday night was roam around Clark. I was kinda depressed that night and went to bed at 11 pm. Absurd, I know. I then woke up around 2am, really tense and sweating. Not sure why...that usually doesn't happen to me. I took a shower and then went back to bed. 12 hours of sleep that night. I woke up feeling great.... a fantastic night's sleep is a powerful thing. Sunday...I did a lot of work, as I did Saturday afternoon. Nothing much else of interest.

Today's Monday. Boring day. But get this!! I got a Morrissey ticket for $20 for his show tomorrow!! Fuck this no music thing for this blog...it's impossible. I'll be excited for that, despite how I'm just a little discontent now. I hesitate too much.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

super weird

In Spanish today we went around the room saying how old we were- a way to practice higher numbers.

Well we start going around the room (sitting with desks in a circular formation) and it's 19 after 19. Ten people in a row say 19. I then break the 19 chain with my 20 years. THEN then next person is 20, then 21, 20, 22, and etc, the oldest person being 24 (no wonder he knows so much extra vocabulary.) I could not get over how bizarre this was today...how people of a similar age were seated next to each other and didn't even know it. Maybe a bizarre coincidence...or maybe we feel most comfortable with people who appear to be our own age. But even when it's just off by one year? No way. Crazy.

I love leaves.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

a sad day


OiNK has died. over the last two years of my life, my taste in music has expanded at an absurd rate due to this resource. it exposed me to post-punk, krautrock, obscure psychedelic acts and incredibly rare recordings that I would have never discovered without it.

when i woke up and the news of the site being shut down was made known, it was like someone i knew had died. it sounds extreme, but oink was such a community- it really was one of the most important tools that shaped who I became over the past few years.

i don't want to get into music downloading and the ethics here... i do feel like its important to support the artists and i'll always purchase something if i like it enough. however the guiding force in making an album should be the music itself, not the money that comes out of it. imo no truly great albums can be made if their main existence is an a commodity. not real. no good. people who make music should be happy anyone's listening at all. someone else taking time of out of their lives to focus your attention on something you made? it's an honor, really. there's so many bands out there. so many great bands. more shitty bands. but if you're a band at all, people listening to you isn't a right that's granted upon formation, it's a privilege if it comes at all.

all in all, i'm sad that i no longer have the opportunity to preview basically any album in my wildest dreams before shelling out for it. i've bought way too many terrible albums in my life and they take up valuable closet space. you know how many albums i've sold back that i've bought within the past 3 or 4 years? maybe a handful, no more. what about the OOP albums that i can't even buy!? how would i have heard the feelies without OiNK?! my life without the feelies... oh no.

and the field mice?! TWEE. add twee to my oink genre discovery list. damn i'm going to miss this. when will something else roll along? i am no pirate. i am my father's son.

Monday, October 22, 2007

No, monstrous vacuum trucks! Get away from the leaf piles! They only fell seconds ago. Noooo.

Peak of the season is now. I love it.

Friday, October 19, 2007

For how badly this week began, it wasn't a bad week overall. Okay, it definitely had its moments of suck...and some moments of heavy suck, but I feel satisfied right now.

I'm no longer taking European Roots- or I won't be as of very soon. The test went horribly and really, I'm getting nothing out of the class. I was completely devastated when he returned it. I worked for days preparing for that test, literally, and my time was completely wasted. I could rant on and on about it, but I've over it now. I never want to go through I class like that again...I was completely numb and couldn't even look at the guy. I have no clue how I made it through. Still, it's done and over and that is great. GREAT.

The majority of what I did from Tuesday through Thursday was my Qualitative Observation portfolio. It was 16 pages when I finished. I was pleased with it, and did well on all the individual portfolio checks so I'm not worried. But please come back okay...pleaseeee. This week was not good for returned work, despite there only being one piece.

I'll most likely be getting my own radio show soon. I'm really excited about that. I'm intending to do a Post-punk/ College Rock show. Very cool.

Also..I've taken a liking to someone...and I think I might do something about it soon. It's a little awkward though as this week I was between a conversation involving her and a conflict with another guy. It put me in a strange, conflicted place. I don't know what to do. I wouldn't want to make the situation worse for either.

Either I didn't set my alarm last night or I woke up, turned it off, and went back to sleep, remembering nothing. I woke up at 10:50- exactly when my 10 AM class ends. I first thought it was Saturday, but then remembered I was going home this weekend. Then maybe I was in class? But wait...there's no alarm clock in my Spanish class! Shit. It sucked. We have a test Monday. Still, she gave the topics Wednesday but I could have used some review or whatever we did today. Arrrrg. I hate it when class skipping isn't previously approved by my brain.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

You know when you have such a great day that it makes the following days an absolute hell? That's what it was like for me this Friday. of Montreal was absolutely brilliant live, four times better than they were at the Avalon during January of this year. One of the best shows I've ever been to. Now exactly why am I such a mess at this moment?

I have two evil canker sores in my mouth. I've never had them this bad before... they both are in the corner insides of my lip, right where both halves meet and form. One is tiny, about the size of a BB, while the other is massive- a centimeter long. I can't even sleep on my right side because of it because even the pressure from my pillow feels like someone is shoving a needle through my cheek. Eating is even worse...I ate a salad a few days ago and the dressing burned it so badly that my eyes immediately teared up. There's next to nothing I can eat that won't irritate this thing. I'm applying a local anesthesia (Kanka softbrush gel) every hour and it's not helping. It takes some of the pain away, but the absurd amount I need to put on it is entering my throat which is now also becoming anesthetized...really uncomfortable. It hurts to talk.

I sometimes get these when I'm under stress...and the stress I'm under at the moment exceeds that of any other time in recent memory. Therefore I guess it makes sense that this fucking thing isn't healing. Normally they clear up within a day or too. It's been over a week and no improvement.

I studied for 5 days for a history exam last week. 5 days, all history...nothing else. Now I have more exams and a huge psych research paper to do. I've pulled together a lot of information, but have yet to actually start typing. Planning is most important I mean, but I don't know how the hell I'm going to introduce or conclude this paper. I'll probably just ending up writing what I know first.

I wanted to go to a horror convention this weekend... a lot. I didn't have anyone to go with though and felt so incredibly drained that I couldn't even muster the energy to get myself there. I've been doing work for the past 2 days and taking the occasional break to just lay on my bed and sulk from time to time. I did my whole put on "Sadie" and bawl my eyes out routine that always helps me feel better when I'm like this. It's a good release. I just don't want to attach that song to these times though...that's the furthest thing I want.

I wish I could pause time and give myself a week to become sane again. I haven't even left my dorm today, apart from peeing. I can't even make myself go and eat. I want to...I'm hungry...but I can't handle the outside. This sounds ridiculous, but it doesn't even seem like a possibility at the moment. Maybe I'll order food later. What could I even eat though?

I need to go back to working. As usual, music is the only thing preventing me from completely imploding.

Thursday, October 11, 2007


Get this dream last night. A new sport was invented, one that combined wiffleball with genetically engineered gigantic fruit. It was setup like a baseball field but the gigantic fruit (like James and the Giant Peach sized) was in the middle of the field. You've have to hit a ball into the fruit, and how well you scored had to do with how many chunks/ the size of chunks flew out. Well I was watching this,"Indie God" edition and they were using a giant pumpkin. Robert Pollard was up, using the same yellow wifflebat from this GBV reunion video from earlier this year. He did really well- pumpkin chunks flew everywhere. They started hitting members of the crowd, splashing against their heads...it was a mess.

I then woke up, noticed it was 7 am, and went back to sleep.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Yeah- last night was a lot of fun. The Black Lips and the Selmanaires played here which was a good time, despite the band showing up late and never coming to the after party like they said they would. However I had fun anyways, talking a lot more with people who I had only briefly encountered before. I was sociable, very much so. Hey now. I headed back to the dorm around 1:30, and did a little late-night Spanish cramming.

I'm really glad I got involved in the PEC committee here. Not only was I able to get Mount Eerie to come next semester, but there's a lot of cool people in it, as passionate about music as I am. Okay, music snobs. Fine. But good people. Plus its fun to learn how to run sound for a show, set up the stage, etc. We also were able to work out a very solid list of bands who we would get to play Clark in January. I reaalllly want Grizzly Bear to win, but the Mountain Goat fans can be rapid. And the hip-hop ones, but those two potentials, Dead prez and Immortal Technique were also the two most expensive to book. Grizzly Bear AND Dirty Projectors. That's so awesome.

Today after doing my afternoon observation in the library I met up with Adam and we picked up Dave from Assumption, eventually to go to the Worcester art museum. They both really wanted to see Andy Warhol's Campbell Soup Can which for the moment is at the museum. That's right...Worcester, MA. We took a few pictures, but apparently that was one of the few rooms where you weren't supposed to take any. One of the curators stormed in while Adam was mid pose, doing an ironic gang sign none the less. Haha, okay...it's funny in this situation. I played semi-ignorant, saying the lady at the main desk only told us we couldn't take pictures in the Asian section, and then did the apologetic we won't do it again speech. Okay...yeah it's a classic piece of American art...I can see why they'd freak out when they see a bunch of college students parading around it from the mini semi-inconspicuous security camera that looks like a smoke alarm. Though we may pose with it as if its a costumed Disney World character, of course we'd never be destructive. I also noticed a new section either was new within the last week or I've somehow overlooked it during the previous 4 times I've been to the museum. It was a bunch of photo collages, the majority of them about war and the juxtaposition between our sheltered lives and that overseas. A few were incredibly powerful.

After that we ate at Moe's- the most glorious budget friendly Mexican foot there is. Oh and Scrub-a-Dub!! I get so much enjoyment out of car washes. I took many pictures that turned out to be really cool, not aware that Dave in the backseat was recording the entire wash. Next comes the ever so glorious Savers, where I had a few good finds: Pa Rappa the Rappa, and a few CDs most notably A Tribe Called Quest's "The Low End Theory" and Mazzy Star's "So Tonight That I Might See." No matter when you go, its alway a blast in Savers.

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good- tired, but good. There wasn't anything to do on campus tonight though...we wandered around and found nothing of interest. Ehh. Whatever- If I consider last night and then the afternoon through evening of today, that's a pretty glorious 12 or so hours.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Okay- tonight was way fun.

Black Lips...afterparty.

I feel good.
Blog blog. I have no music blog. My mp3 host died this week, giving no explanation why. It's been down since Sunday night. It's pretty much driving me crazy. Not having the routine of choosing a song and writing a little blurb on it during my days is something I'm missing much more than I expected. I need a new host.

Well I've been thinking...I wonder if I have a social anxiety disorder. Being called shy has plagued my life. Or reserved. That's even worse as you know what its an euphemism for. I'd go through my youth and that would always be the first thing people would say about me. It got infuriating to a point where simply hearing that word would take whatever mood I was in during the moment and just chop it into little burning pieces. It still sets me off. What do you mean by that? Do you think I have nothing to say? Shut up. Though I think we all find it easier to blame our problems on a disorder and try to cure them medically than take the initiate ourselves, I'm not sure if I can ever feel comfortable with myself. I take initiate and force myself to do little things, like speak up in class, be more outgoing, etc. It feels so unfair though, seeing those who can take on those activities without the slightest hesitation, but for me to put myself out there around people I don't know is such an arduous and massive task. I sometimes am not sure how long I'll be able to handle my group discussion psych class. It's one where there's 8 people sitting around a table and we have to talk about ourselves and the work we're going on our observation project for extended periods. I can't say anything there without excessive pauses, stumbles, or staring at the table. It feels really stupid. Then whenever I slip up, I become more conscious of my behavior, think what they could possibly be thinking about and then sound even more nervous and incoherent as a result. I'm fucking tired of it. I want to be able to pull off a fantastic oral report without prompting cards. The thing is though, I'm not always like this. Around friends who I've gotten to know I can be really talkative and outgoing, ready to take on anything and fully express my opinion. I like fun. I don't want to be that person alll the time...it would probably be exhausting, but I'd like to bring some aspects of it into my public persona.

I finally told my parents about wanting to get myself checked out for this last month. I don't know how much more I can put into this myself. Compared to where I was awhile ago I'm much better with approaching others and impromptu speaking. The thing is I don't even understand why I fear so much. Why the hell do I have that moment of hesitation to ask for help finding something in a store...or order something in a restaurant? I know people don't bite. That cliche is another plague upon my life. If I know that and realize there's nothing to fear, how come I'm so excessively cautious? How come I can't be present in any public place without feeling like I'm being judged, watched, criticized. You know those times after you meet someone new, a brief encounter, maybe through a friend or at a party, and you see them around but don't know if you should say hi to them or not and its really awkward? That feeling is my everyday life.

I've spent a lot of time in my life alone. I had next to no friends during my middle school experience, spending all my weekends alone, passing the time with music and movies. I was such an angsty kid then. I remember the times when I would have a friend over, always someone from my grade school years. Say more than just a play session- a sleepover, the cream of the crop in middle school. I'd cry after it was over. I wanted to hold onto that forever.

The fact that I can part from friends now without tears definitely shows that things are better. Maybe life is way awkward for everyone. I'm not sure. I'll see how this goes.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Hey- I have time for an entry

There were multiple times this week where I was going to sit down and write in this, but didn't. Now I am.

What happened since the last few entries? Well I had that Spanish quiz and I after I took it I thought I had done terribly. I ended up getting an ocho out of diaz. It's funny as I had no idea if I was even answering what the quiz was asking most of the time. The first section just said : Alfabeto + NĂºmeros. Not knowing what else to do I wrote the numbers from one through ten in Spanish. For the alphabet, I just took it in English and spelled it out phonetically to how it would sound in Spanish. I completely guessed. Aa Bee Cay Dee...etc. Full-credit. Hey hey hey. The spanish text however has been on backorder still, so everyone in the class is going off of badly photocopied sheets.

I have 300 glow stars on my ceiling and a blacklight in my room. It's incredible.

This week has been overall interesting and enjoyable. I'm still doing the library observations for Psych, one of those classes that's stressful for its consistently heavy workload, but also not as it's not going to peak any higher than it already is. Plus the last two weeks of class will be presentations rather than writing papers and studying. Actually, I'm unsure if I actually have any final exams for my courses. I could look right now, but there's enough I need to do for the moment. Let's go to Thursday, as that was an odd but very entertaining day.

So our European history teacher decides to have a class at the Worcester art museum. However rather than organizing a conventional field trip with a bus and etc, we have to get there ourselves. Fine- this is college I guess, but when the majority of the class doesn't have their own cars, it's a pretty half assed plan. Rather than find an ride with someone I didn't know, I decided to take the inter-campus shuttle to WPI which is then within a short walking distance from the museum. Katie, who's also in my class came with me. She's awesome. So the thing with the shuttle is that to take it anywhere you have to ride the predetermined route...which is exactly like a bus. Fine- I never take city buses so all this is new to me. Well it goes to a ton of the colleges in Worcester, and the area each one of them is in looks completely different than the last. At one moment we were in strip club central and then the next an area of Worcester that looked suspiciously like downtown Boston. Oh and then a part that looked like Coney Island, and Mexico, and it was all very surreal. And the bus driver! He was playing this cornball 1940's lite jazz record and had this breathable faux-straw hat. I don't know what you call it, but I just googled "old person hat" and found it exactly. Then this older female college student (I think you're supposed to call them unconventional, especially given that Clark challenges convention) came onto the bus that he was familiar with- veryyy familiar with. They got to talking about wedding anniversaries, Gloria Gaynor, and Donna Summers. I believe the guy would pay to see Donna Summers but not Gloria Gaynor, but couldn't remember who sung "I Will Survive (gloria gaynor..) He then calls them both disco "divahhs" and asks if she remembers that song "I Will Survive" like it's an obscure one hit wonder track. If I were asking someone if they remembered the song "Are You Jimmy Ray?" by Jimmy Ray I would go about asking with the hesitation and uncertainty that he did. I wouldn't do it for "I Will Survive" though. Crazy Frog covered that one! Seriously now!

Guess what's in the Worcester art museum!!! Andy Warhol's Campbell's Soup Can!! We stared at it for almost two minutes questioning if it was the real deal. It was behind its own super protective plastic case and now that I've just looked it up it is the original.

The on the way back it was a different driver...a different driver who happened to hit a parked car, it's mirror to be exact. Afterwards he drove further than he should have, perhaps realizing oh hey, I have a shuttle-full of people along with me. I guess he didn't really do any damage so we were able to clear the scene after about a minute. weirdddd

Alright. That's good for now. I went to a party on Friday and a guy climbed a house. More on that later perhaps.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Halloweeeeeen. The king of all holidays. Though there's almost 2 months until the date, I'm beginning to feel it. It's still suspiciously warm outside, so staring down animatronic-hand candy bowls and Leatherface masks feels a bit odd when its 95 degrees, but I'll look past that. September 1st is a fine date to put out Halloween decorations. However I was in a Walgreen's in late August that already had giant pumpkins and fake rats on its shelves...rather than thrilled I was offended. If it's not labor day weekend, its still Summer. Duh.

Leaves are already starting to change. It hasn't rained in a lot time, so everything is really dry which speeds up the change. Okay I guess. Anything that ends Summer and this terrible Summer-Autumn segue period. Seriously the worst time of the year.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

The first entry where I complain about school work

Spanish. For a quiz on Friday we have to memorize the names of 24 countries, and both the masculine and feminine ways to say someone is from that specific country. So for Nicaraguan I need to remember Nicaraguenese and Nicarageunsa. There's that crazy Motley Crue thing on the u, but I'm not sure how to make that without copying and pasting. This is insane. The quiz also covers Ser, the verb to be and llamarse, to be called, aka naming yourself and others. Yes, llamarse is significant, but do I really need to know how to say Finnish, especially considering this is Spanish 101 and it's only the SECOND WEEK. Como estas? Now let's memorize countries. It's like forgetting how to spell these countries and memorizing a way to spell them incorrectly. Venezuelan? nooo, that's Venezolano. Worst of all, this IS NOT IMPORTANT. Myself and every other student in the class will forget how to spell most of these countries after the quiz is over. This isn't important for a Spanish course. There's nothing I hate more than pointless memorization. Well...there probably is, but this second there's nothing I hate more than it. SKLHDghlSDLGJLK

Ok then. So how has my night been otherwise? Kinda shitty. I've just felt really empty and alone and like nothing could change that. I put on "100,000 Fireflies" which is a sort of musical therapy for me and that helped a bit. I don't know if I can blame Spanish entirely for this spiral, but it's certainly not helping me get out of it. I need a day of peace. Please. Just let me sit with a book that doesn't have to do with Psychology. Let me read something that I don't need to respond critically to and write a "squirb" giving my insight. I like Clark so far, I really do, but it's not easy. Teachers say "don't stress out" like it's something we can control. So you're saying you'll be assigning a ton of work and we should just take it on, no sweat, with no fears? I wish that could be the case. There's grades to aspire to. I hate the beginning of courses when there's no grades as of yet and you have an idea how the class is going to be but not how difficult the teacher will be with their assessment. I wish I was taking an art class this semester. It keeps me balanced and really helps me from getting overwhelmed. That's one thing I loved about Assumption...the art was surprising great there. I loved my drawing and painting teacher and its unfortunate that I had to leave that without the upper level courses. I'm not devoted enough to go to art school, but I love the freedom that art provides me. Even when the assignments were strict- painting a specific still-life using only two colors you're free to approach the medium in the way you feel most comfortable, and that's encouraged. There's no right way to do anything in art. That flexibility compared to the MLA regulations and strict formating rules in many of my other classes gave me some room to breathe when I felt close to being smothered. Right now the cellophane is getting a little too close for comfort. They say you get into the groove and soon you're going steady, but maybe rather than us overcoming the difficulty we succumb to it.

My two psych courses are pretty stressful, particularly Qulitative Methods. There's a quiz every day in that class on long readings and also a simultaneous observation project that we need to work on at least twice a week. Then we have "Squibs," basically extra credit pieces that we write responses to the readings. However the amount of people partaking in them makes them practically essential if you want to succeed. The professor's ratings on RateMyProfessor are incredibly polarizing. It goes from love to basically saying the guy is an arrogant asshole. I'm not sure how I feel, though at the beginning and giving me a "re-read the syllabus" answer to a clarification question didn't put him on my best side. He's all about us taking charge and doing things our own way. Like I said for art- I like doing things my own way, so this should be right up my alley, right? Well for art it's not only quality that goes into a grading system, but effort and experimentation. It works as a progression. There's no way I can say this without sounding completely pompous, but kids in my drawing class were getting B's on pieces that I could draw better with my left-hand in 3rd grade. For a 10 page paper quality is the key deciding point, and when we have no guidelines regarding what to fill those pages up with, it's more than a bit intimidating. I'd agree there's too much bias in writing towards leading towards what the professor would approve of...well, sucking up. We say learning is key, but grades are really it. To an extent grades can show what we've learned, but there's too many factors that also play into learning to simply confine it to that. However, Hampshire, a school I visited had no grades. Instead you needed to write a 3 page essay each week about how you're growing as a student in respect to this course. I also don't think we can judge learning that quickly. So much of those essays must be complete bullshit. Hampshire was a strange place...it cost $45,000 a year to go there and was in the middle of nowhere, with its admissions office was on a farm. And the student body.... well this gives you an idea: "Its annual Halloween party, referred to by some as "Trip or Treat" for historically widespread use of hallucinogenic drugs, was once profiled by Rolling Stone magazine".

I'll continue this later. From the span of the entry earlier tonight to this one I've decided that I missed having a me-blog. It takes the edge of of things. I'm more leveled now than I was earlier. I still don't know how to say Pakistani in Spanish, but that's besides the point.
I made this blog tonight. Do I like blogging about me? Do I miss that? I have a physical journal but I always put off writing in that. It gets harder the more you have it. My summer of 2006 is perfectly chronicled in that but this summer isn't. There's intermittent entries and then those summary entires when you attempt to discuss a period of several months in a single page... those never work. I had a livejournal. I still do I guess...I never deleted it. Its kind of embarrassing. Some entries don't even sound like me at all. I was in a different place then. It's very high school. I cut that out in Summer of 2006... I never even achieved closure with it. An entry of June 2006 just sits there, proceeded by an entry where I express how I feel like I've abandoned my livejournal. Yeah- I just brought it up. June 7th 2007, which follows a June 2nd entry where I write a sentence long note addressed to "livejournal" saying that I'm sorry to have ignored it. Then the entry before that is from February.

I'm not sure how I feel about the act of recording and keeping track of time and memories. It depends really. Sometimes its fun to look back and say, hey...I remember that. Other times like I said before, it's embarrassing. Like, ewww- I sound like such an emo. I'd like to think we remember what's truly significant in our heads, but as humans we don't keep it to the essential. Nooo, throw on 5 meat patties... we love excess. The car can't just smash after it drives off the 100 foot cliff- it must explode! We like mundane memories. There's importance in the mundane though. Everything we do is mundane and what we do is how we often describe ourselves and interact with people and etc etc. What isn't mundane and when do we realize it isn't? The first memory of my life is a surprisingly early one: I was 16 months old and was in Ohio. My cousin Hannah, just a couple of months old was in this weird baby device. Not a cradle, not a swing, not those bungee "let your baby bounce!" chairs. It was a slowly moving, rocking enabled but additionally baby powered imprisoning tool. I've seen pictures of the scene but my memory is full motion. Video couldn't of influenced it either...there's none of this situation I recall. So when I play out what I remember, it couldn't have been any longer than 10 seconds in reality, perhaps only 5. The setting was Thanksgiving. I think it was my first trip to Ohio, which also was accordingly my first plane ride. That memory was lost on me, but I heard I was a very pleasant passenger and received a complementary wing-pin for my non-irritating behavior. Actually that may have been another flight...who knows? Well, my parents do, but I'm not calling them up and saying "Hey...when was the time that I got that wing-pin?"Minor detail. Well, Thanksgiving diner just happened and like all kids I needed to escape from the table before the adults were finished. I was on the floor and headed over to my new cousin and began to push the rocking device than enclosed her. There was no escape, believe me. I was in full control. My memory doesn't include how many times I pushed, if I changed my momentum or how long I had been pushing. How did I even know how to push? (That's something for my Psych of Learning course.) Well I pushed, my Aunt Mary turned around, said to me "Don't push so hard Matthew." I then immediately stopped. Fade out. That's the memory. A push, a word, move out.

So my point with this... is this anything more than mundane? It's just a cause and effect act that is prevalent in our daily lives. I did something that unsettled someone else and they made that known. As a child I was always uncomfortable with being told what I was doing was wrong. In Kindergarten during a coloring section I would rotate the paper to better be able to reach certain areas. The teacher one day put her hands on my paper, steadying it, saying softly but firmly, "Keep your paper still." Well Mrs. D, guess what I still do to this day when I'm drawing and need to make something symmetrical? You've guessed it! I'm digressing though... That situation being my first memory is what's significant here, not the situation itself. So are all the memories that emerge when we trigger our brains to recall them the greatest hits of our lives? Is there something in each and every one of those situations that made the dark and mysterious realm of our unconsciousness think, "Nice, I'm totally making a copy of this one?" Right now I can recall six memories from my pre-school experience: 1) A kid who would always drink the tiny 4 oz boxes of an all-natural juice (but it wasn't Juicy Juice, but some other brand that had a white package.) Edit: Apple & Eve! 2) Racing big-wheels on the pavement and colliding with my neighbor Jonathan, badly scraping up my knee. 3) My best friend Ellen saying under a jungle-gym after some sort of fight that she wasn't talking to me again. (That changed later that day.) 4) Losing my first tooth and not having any idea what to do, so I put it in my winter hat and carried on with my day. 5) Playing with a giant parachute during gym and 6) Riding home after graduating and receiving a mini-Pound Puppy that when you squeeze its stomach its mouth opens, allowing it to grip to various objects. Some of those are perfectly sound memories, a fair mix of pleasure and trauma. But #1...does my mind occasionally just want to fuck with me and throw in some ridiculous arbitrary affair? Because, if it does...it's working.