Sunday, October 14, 2007

You know when you have such a great day that it makes the following days an absolute hell? That's what it was like for me this Friday. of Montreal was absolutely brilliant live, four times better than they were at the Avalon during January of this year. One of the best shows I've ever been to. Now exactly why am I such a mess at this moment?

I have two evil canker sores in my mouth. I've never had them this bad before... they both are in the corner insides of my lip, right where both halves meet and form. One is tiny, about the size of a BB, while the other is massive- a centimeter long. I can't even sleep on my right side because of it because even the pressure from my pillow feels like someone is shoving a needle through my cheek. Eating is even worse...I ate a salad a few days ago and the dressing burned it so badly that my eyes immediately teared up. There's next to nothing I can eat that won't irritate this thing. I'm applying a local anesthesia (Kanka softbrush gel) every hour and it's not helping. It takes some of the pain away, but the absurd amount I need to put on it is entering my throat which is now also becoming anesthetized...really uncomfortable. It hurts to talk.

I sometimes get these when I'm under stress...and the stress I'm under at the moment exceeds that of any other time in recent memory. Therefore I guess it makes sense that this fucking thing isn't healing. Normally they clear up within a day or too. It's been over a week and no improvement.

I studied for 5 days for a history exam last week. 5 days, all history...nothing else. Now I have more exams and a huge psych research paper to do. I've pulled together a lot of information, but have yet to actually start typing. Planning is most important I mean, but I don't know how the hell I'm going to introduce or conclude this paper. I'll probably just ending up writing what I know first.

I wanted to go to a horror convention this weekend... a lot. I didn't have anyone to go with though and felt so incredibly drained that I couldn't even muster the energy to get myself there. I've been doing work for the past 2 days and taking the occasional break to just lay on my bed and sulk from time to time. I did my whole put on "Sadie" and bawl my eyes out routine that always helps me feel better when I'm like this. It's a good release. I just don't want to attach that song to these times though...that's the furthest thing I want.

I wish I could pause time and give myself a week to become sane again. I haven't even left my dorm today, apart from peeing. I can't even make myself go and eat. I want to...I'm hungry...but I can't handle the outside. This sounds ridiculous, but it doesn't even seem like a possibility at the moment. Maybe I'll order food later. What could I even eat though?

I need to go back to working. As usual, music is the only thing preventing me from completely imploding.

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