Thursday, September 20, 2007

Blog blog. I have no music blog. My mp3 host died this week, giving no explanation why. It's been down since Sunday night. It's pretty much driving me crazy. Not having the routine of choosing a song and writing a little blurb on it during my days is something I'm missing much more than I expected. I need a new host.

Well I've been thinking...I wonder if I have a social anxiety disorder. Being called shy has plagued my life. Or reserved. That's even worse as you know what its an euphemism for. I'd go through my youth and that would always be the first thing people would say about me. It got infuriating to a point where simply hearing that word would take whatever mood I was in during the moment and just chop it into little burning pieces. It still sets me off. What do you mean by that? Do you think I have nothing to say? Shut up. Though I think we all find it easier to blame our problems on a disorder and try to cure them medically than take the initiate ourselves, I'm not sure if I can ever feel comfortable with myself. I take initiate and force myself to do little things, like speak up in class, be more outgoing, etc. It feels so unfair though, seeing those who can take on those activities without the slightest hesitation, but for me to put myself out there around people I don't know is such an arduous and massive task. I sometimes am not sure how long I'll be able to handle my group discussion psych class. It's one where there's 8 people sitting around a table and we have to talk about ourselves and the work we're going on our observation project for extended periods. I can't say anything there without excessive pauses, stumbles, or staring at the table. It feels really stupid. Then whenever I slip up, I become more conscious of my behavior, think what they could possibly be thinking about and then sound even more nervous and incoherent as a result. I'm fucking tired of it. I want to be able to pull off a fantastic oral report without prompting cards. The thing is though, I'm not always like this. Around friends who I've gotten to know I can be really talkative and outgoing, ready to take on anything and fully express my opinion. I like fun. I don't want to be that person alll the would probably be exhausting, but I'd like to bring some aspects of it into my public persona.

I finally told my parents about wanting to get myself checked out for this last month. I don't know how much more I can put into this myself. Compared to where I was awhile ago I'm much better with approaching others and impromptu speaking. The thing is I don't even understand why I fear so much. Why the hell do I have that moment of hesitation to ask for help finding something in a store...or order something in a restaurant? I know people don't bite. That cliche is another plague upon my life. If I know that and realize there's nothing to fear, how come I'm so excessively cautious? How come I can't be present in any public place without feeling like I'm being judged, watched, criticized. You know those times after you meet someone new, a brief encounter, maybe through a friend or at a party, and you see them around but don't know if you should say hi to them or not and its really awkward? That feeling is my everyday life.

I've spent a lot of time in my life alone. I had next to no friends during my middle school experience, spending all my weekends alone, passing the time with music and movies. I was such an angsty kid then. I remember the times when I would have a friend over, always someone from my grade school years. Say more than just a play session- a sleepover, the cream of the crop in middle school. I'd cry after it was over. I wanted to hold onto that forever.

The fact that I can part from friends now without tears definitely shows that things are better. Maybe life is way awkward for everyone. I'm not sure. I'll see how this goes.

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